The two single orthodontists who put my braces on were discussing how one of them had just signing up Internet Dating and her intrepidation about it over my open mouth. I had to awkwardly interrupt them, get them to suction me before I could tell them ‘Never Fear! I’ve jutht thtarted a blog dithcuthing the Thwingth and Roundabouth of life and I’m wanting to share all of what I’ve learnt of 8 yearth on dating appths but I wathn’t thure if I should do that part’. And they were all like ‘YES YOU SHOULD’ so ladies (and gents) this thread is for you <3.
First of all you need to understand and fully comprehend the following 5 things you’ve been conditioned to believe about (internet) dating with are ALL LIES. Pure lies and fear mongering! It’s okay if it takes you a while, but next time you hear anyone say any of these things, instead of nodding and agreeing with them, question it in your own head!
Number One
‘Internet dating is horrifying!’
If I hear someone declare this, I’m going to ask them to clarify. Nine times out of ten it will be a person who has: never done it before! Or is someone who:
doesn’t like not being in control of situations,
is inexperienced in the setting of dating in general,
would prefer to stay in an unhappy relationship than be alone,
is afraid of new people,
sees the worst in people,
or is someone who has only met and connected with their partners in real life.
So what they are actually horrified of is perhaps change, new information, new things, new people. They are actually horrified at how clever their creative imagination is that runs away with their perception of what internet dating truly is. Probably someone who also reads/listens to a lot of true crime. (And I’m someone who has been held captive before an all sorts of horrific things happened to me – not dating related!). I would NOT call internet dating horrifying at all. I absolutely love it!
Number 2
‘If I wanted to look at leftover trash that no one else wants I can just look in the bin’ We laugh at this kinda stuff right? And I have to admit the amount of times I’d see someone’s internet dating profile and say ‘oh are you STILL ON HERE?’ judgementally before being humbled and realising, ‘Oh, right. Yes, and so am I and I am wonderful. So yeah I should probably get to know them…’
Being conscious in how I think or speak about things had transformed everything. If I’m calling other people on the internet ‘Someone else’s trash…’ I’m referring to myself as that. I prefer to see myself as an ‘previously unappreciated TREASURE’. And maybe, just maybe (or just so you know, DEFINITELY) there are matches out there FOR you who haven’t been appreciated EITHER. They too, are loving themselves enough to leave their situations or are picking up the pieces after being left…. and they are TRYING to find YOU.
I remember fifteen years ago sitting with my friends and saying ‘I know we don’t mean it when we call eachother ‘sluts’ and ‘bitches’ affectionately, but do you reckon we could try not doing it and just observing how it changes the vibe?’ It did indeed change the vibe, even though it had never been with ill-intention. So yeah, check yourself on how you’re talking about everyone, The Universe is listening! What have you got to lose?
Number Three
‘oh GOD men are AWFUL’.
Any time I hear this, I have to correct people. It is simply not my experience, and I’m yet to find anyone brave enough to admit they’ve dated more men than me so until they do I can claim this.
It’s funny because I think people think ‘man hating’ is what I want to hear because I’ve dated a lot and haven’t got a ring on my finger yet and a new baby from my new marriage to connect us and keep us together. It’s like a disease that the more often we hear something, it grows into a belief system, it wires our brains in more mistrust and hits us on a gut level which feels like instinct and self-protection. And the more often men hear it, the less likely they are to feel, act or BE wonderful to us because we have those damn man-hating glasses on. It’s like having your boss telling everyone you’re the worst employee all the time. Feel like stepping up at work? Yeah, nah. Trust me, I switched teams for a bit in exasperation of the stories I told myself about men. How much should good people have to chip away at your icy exterior and prove themselves worthy? There’s a hell of a lot of defeated and worn out men and women out there, battling for no good reason on the apps, trying to find love, playing by ‘the rules’, making it a game.
(Obviously whatever I’m saying about men and women, I am saying about people. Yes there are women out there who are awful and are dicks as well. I will do my best to write politically correctly but may fuck up from time to time, please just know my intention here is to break down the stigmas to get everybody to lighten up and know there’s great people out there who are looking for meaningful connections to build a long term relationship with, as well as those just looking for a hook up or to just distract themselves for a day or two chatting).
I’m telling you now, a LOT of women are pushing men away because ‘men are so awful’. It has become almost a cellular religion. I have met SO MANY INCREDIBLE MEN on internet dating and I have run away from most of them because I was so terrified of being treated well, being vulnerable, being loved unconditionally and surrendering my firm grip on my RIGID hyper-independence and control issues I had NO IDEA I had. Yeah, there are SOME dicks out there. But there’s a hell of a lot of good sorts. Which leads me to….
Number Four
‘I shouldn’t have to change to find love’. Now I am going to specifically direct this at women, I’m afraid. Because I have spoken to (genuinely) THOUSANDS of men on these apps, picking their brains, trying to learn how they perceive the world and what their experience has been with relationships, what’s expected of them as bread winners in relationships and as family men, how they are spoken to and how they are treated merely as ‘job applicants’ by women on the internet who in the first three questions will ask what their annual income is, what they do for a living and if they own their home. I have questioned all of this so I can become a better and more compassionate partner of fathers that I am dating. (In contrast, if you’re being questioned by men about your hip to waist ratio, what size your boobs are and what’s your favourite position, you’re not filtering properly. You are going to have to change, I’m afraid.)
I’m part of many, many online groups for single women sharing their woes on internet dating and sweet cheeses, ladies, we are giving men such a fucking hard time.
‘I unmatched him because he just said ‘hello’ he didn’t say ‘hello beautiful or anything! If he can’t put any effort in, I’m out.’
‘I unmatched him because he just said ‘hello beautiful’ he didn’t say ‘hello there! How are you?’ first. I am a human! If he just thinks I am someone to perve on and doesn’t have the decency to ask how I am as a person, I’m out.’
‘I unmatched him because he just said ‘hello’ he didn’t say anything witty straight up. So boring I didn’t even respond. If he can’t put any effort in, I’m out.’
‘I unmatched him because he didn’t say ‘hello’ first! WTF I’m not doing all the heavy lifting!’
‘I unmatched him because he couldn’t tell me if he wants kids or not. I’m not going to meet him if he doesn’t want a family! I don’t have time to stuff around, I’m 35 years old!’
‘I unmatched him because he told me that he wants kids – we were on the first date! Like seriously, I don’t even know him yet!??! Should I block and delete? Is this giving ‘first stage clinger’ or what?’
At this point I was about to punch myself in the face but instead I calmly typed ‘Hi Steph, him telling you he does want to become a father at some point is not an invitation to make a baby with you. It’s him just giving you the heads up that it’s the direction he’d like to eventually go down. Most women are frustrated because they can’t find anyone to have babies with. If you’d like to one day be a mother, perhaps you should give him a chance.’ to which she responded with ‘Oh my god, you’re absolutely right.’
There is a chance, ladies that you indeed have to change OR at least recognise and explore why you’re so rigid and resistant. (Maybe to things like height, profession, hair lines, facial hair, how well endowed someone is etc.) And yes, being rigid and resistant is the biggest reason most people don’t like internet dating, in my opinion based on A LOT of investigation, because it highlights how flexible and open minded you are as a person. Or not.
And fair enough if you’ve been brutally destroyed by a marriage ending, being cheated on, being abused, etc. You have a few options here, you can engage in some therapy to heal your wounds and become open to learning healthy boundaries, healthier ways of relating, filtering etc or you can attract whoever you currently are as a person like I did, over and over and over again until you get the lesson finally and upgrade to the next level. This is MUCH cheaper than therapy, but DOES take a lot longer. I could have shaved YEARS off my dating career and had a supportive partner, sharing the bills and the load of life YEARS AGO if I’d just had more therapy, just saying.
Number Five
‘Dating apps are just for Hook Ups. It’s sleazey as.’
Wrong! Sure you can hook up with no strings if you like. But there are SO many men looking for committed and long term love on there. If you’re getting dick pics, having men asking you for more photos, insinuating sexpectations, then you’re not filtering correctly. Or you’re using the wrong apps.
Oh my goodness, I actually have so many more points to say on this. Stay tuned for part 2.
Any questions?
❤ Karleigh x
Swings & Roundabouts 